I wish

I wish I could say how proud I am of you, Dad. I wish I could say, "Thanks for everything you taught me, Dad." 

If only I had learned how to balance a checkbook, what to expect from boys and how to be more athletic from you. Or wouldn't it be lovely if perhaps we'd gone to a daddy daughter dance together? What if you were an inspiration to me; a wise man who made me a better person?

I long for an adult upon whom I can depend. I would be so grateful for holiday getaways that were created - and maybe even paid for - by you. I'd love to be able to share memories of you suffering through yet another fancy tea with my stuffed animals.

I'm not saying I don't appreciate what you were able to provide...good laughs about inappropriate jokes that I didn't realize we're inappropriate until I was inappropriate for telling them. I have fond memories of the time we spent in the outdoors even though the focus for you was on Budweiser and your friends. There was that time you taught me about how there were tiny magnetic granules in the sand...I liked that. But there really weren't enough of those magnetic moments to create a solid foundation for my relationship with you, myself, or the world.

I'm also not feeling sorry for myself even though it sounds as if I am...well, maybe just a little bit. I suppose I would just love to have had an apology from you; an acknowledgement that things went really wrong. I would have loved for you to have been aware that absolutely any relationship with the adult 'me' is a privilege and not a right. 

Photo Credit: Zaur Giyasov